Contemplation: Finding the place in you where you are here and now being created by God. Thomas Merton.
Last week I wrote about my ever growing journey into softness (if you missed that post, I suggest you read that first, here), and how I wrongly associated femininity with weakness.
This weeks contemplation is on the other side of that coin: feminine strength.
If Softness is the tulip unfolding her petals towards the sun, then Strength is her ever deepening root system bringing the nourishment and resilience she needs.
Strength.
What does strength look like for a woman?
Is it to not need anyone?
(You’re a strong, independent woman, you don’t need a man).
Is it to be physically strong?
(Women can do everything men can do).
Is it to be financially independent?
(Be a girl boss. Hustle your ass off).
What does it mean to be a strong woman?
I asked myself this question one morning as I walked to work. I stopped to get a coffee—my thoughts percolating. I don’t know how this question took up residence within me, all I knew is that I had to find the answer. So I asked the question again.
Is this what strength means for a woman?
The answer came back to me —
No.
To be strong is to be a walled garden.
I have to admit, this wasn’t my first thought when it came to pondering feminine strength, but the longer I let that thought unfold, the more it made sense.
So why a walled garden?
Let’s start by looking at the features.
A garden is a place of life and abundance, beauty and growth, fruit, nourishment and shelter.
I believe that a healthy woman is much like this garden—flourishing.
She has her own natural beauty.
She has gifts (fruit) to share and feed others.
She is a safe haven to those who need it (think those desperate nights shared with a best friend, her arms welcoming you into her home, glass of wine and tissues at hand, her shoulder soaked with your tears).
And much like a well cultivated garden, a woman will continue to grow: in grace, knowledge, gentleness and love— until she flourishes.
The best gardens are those with a wall.
Why?
Because the world is full of snakes.
A garden without a wall is trampled, pillaged, stripped bare by greedy fingers, left for only wild things to roam. A garden without a wall is a wild place that belongs to no one.
On the other hand, we know that a garden with a wall belongs to someone. It’s protected. And people protect that which they value most.
Here are *three* things I believe being a walled garden means and how we can use this image to be a woman of strength.
First—You have to recognize your value and see that you’re worth protecting.
I can’t tell you how many women I know who are lost in fear, comparison, and insecurity because they don’t know their worth. It paralyzes a woman like nothing else. I know this because I was one of them.
In 2019 I was lost in anxiety and fear, the insecurity I held onto only enabled me to stay with a man who continually took advantage of me. I spent weeks in bed because of chronic fatigue, I had panic attacks, and I weighed the least I have my whole adult life.
I did not know who I was. I didn’t yet see the inherent value given to me by God.
To be a woman of strength you have to know (with all your knowing) that you are worth protecting, because you cannot help something grow until you first recognize it as something worth living.
Translation: You can’t flourish as a woman until you acknowledge you deserve to live a flourishing life.
Second— Set healthy boundaries.
This is the wall.
One of the most instrumental tools that aided my healing was developing healthy boundaries—how others treated me, but also, how I treated myself.
Boundaries are different for each person, so I encourage you to find your own. But here are a couple of guiding principles to help start the foundation:
Reduce stress wherever possible (stress will kill your will to live above everything else, don’t take on too much)
Find time in your day to slow down (your body will thank you for it)
Learn to say NO to negative thoughts about yourself (choose one to stop saying, instead, say the opposite)
Learn to say NO to people who are bad influences (better yet, find friends who are going the same direction you want to go in and spend your time with them)!
Sleep well. Eat well. Take care of your soul.
The world is full of snakes.
Healthy boundaries, for yourself and others, will be keep them out.
Third—Find your own creativity and share it with others (cultivate the garden)
I feel like I flourish the most when I’m being creative.
I picked up knitting and crochet as a hobby mid 2021 during a particularly painful time of my life. Granny squares were an escape and a soothing mechanism that kept my hands busy when I was feeling emotionally heightened. After learning a few basic stitches I decided to make a blanket for a friend, so I did.
I spent a year working on a double-bed sized, herringbone patterned blanket for my friend. I would work on it on and off over that year, but I was determined to finish it. When I gave it to him, he said that it reminded him of a blanket he had as a child and he started to tear up (***see below for picture of said blanket)
Handmade gifts touch the heart because they come from the heart.
I share my words on Substack because I love writing and I want to bless people. I make blankets and beanies and other knitted things for people because it’s my way of showing love.
Your creativity may not be fiber art, and it doesn’t have to be. It could be painting, sewing, dance, singing, cooking—my goodness, it could be writing CODE!
Creativity is our own personal way of giving back and blessing others.
A good question to ask is: what have I got in my hands?
And by that I mean, what are you currently doing, or learning, or thinking about learning/starting/working on, that you can cultivate and share?
To be strong is to be a walled garden.
There are so many depths to this image.
There is something so deeply nourishing about it that I could spend a year soaking in it (and eventually turn it into a book). Feminine strength is a beautiful thing, and I feel that it’s got a lot more to do with Softness than society believes.
Sometimes I feel like the narrative of being a woman looks more like being in a battle, warring over boundary lines and hating your enemy.
I would much rather be in the garden.
A war may rage outside, nation may rise against nation—but the walls of the garden (when built properly) means peace is maintained in the garden.
And for those who want a place to shelter—rest and nourishment can be found within.
There may be a wall, but there is always a gate.
Dear woman, you are valuable!
Build the wall. Cultivate the garden. Bring fourth life—and share it with others. And in a world that’s at war…
Be a walled garden.
with love from my corporate keyboard (and yes, I should be replying to an email)
x Zara
The blanket I made for my dear friend
Me knitting on the train to help me unwind.
Slowing down is one of my personal boundaries.
Oh wow, so happy to hear this spoke to you! Thank you Lauren🤍
I once went through an unhealthy time in my life similar to yours. Emotionally fatigued, panic attacks, underweight. During that time I read The Secret Garden and was inspired by how the characters grew and tended to each other just like the flowers in the garden they found. Since then I’ve learned how to set boundaries and take better care of myself. I’ve grown so much stronger but it’s easy to get so caught up in that and then disregard the softness we need in the heart as well. Your writing about feminine softness and strength is hitting home for me and as a fellow Christian I want to thank you and encourage you to keep writing and keep taking care of yourself like a beautiful walled garden.