Contemplation: Finding the place in you where you are here and now being created by God. Thomas Merton.
This weeks contemplation: softness.
There is a softness present within me I haven’t experienced before - and my surrender to it has long been aching. Like roses. Like a blush upon the cheek. Like the new-born pink softness of being who I was created to be.
I feel my feet grace the paths of Eden.
Softness is something that’s been on my heart recently, and it’s an interesting quality to cultivate. What does softness mean as a woman? What are its benefits? Is softness even a virtue, and how can we be soft without being weak?
I’ve spent a lot of my teenage-to-adult life trying to “harden up”. Being a naturally smaller person I was bullied in school for my size with my kindness frequently taken advantage of. Known as the “teachers pet” or the “good little Christian girl”, with “cute” being a term I despised above all others. I hated being judged as weak just by how I looked or my beliefs, and so I made it my personal goal to toughen myself up.
Heavy metal music rang in my ears. Steak and beer (man’s food) was my local pub go-to. I drove a manual car, wore black and preferred pants (get those floral dresses away from me). I was into cars and horror movies and whiskey. Anything that I thought made me look weak I avoided, and anything that I believed to be “tough”, “hard core” or “masculine” I ran to.
Certain circumstances caused a different hardness to grow within me too. Heartbreak and disappointment. Trauma. Chronic illness. Workplace stress. Feministic societal pressures (you have to be a strong, independent woman/ girl boss/ hustle to “make it”).
My long season of singleness hardened me in yet another way. As a single woman you have to fend for yourself, sometimes live by yourself. You make your own money, keep yourself safe, network and build community by yourself. That takes a lot out of anyone.
Over the years, whether purposefully or in reaction, I cultivated a hard edge to my natural femininity and softness, and while I did surprise a lot of people in get-to-know-you conversations, I wonder now if any true benefit came from it.
This ever-growing softness I sense in me is a beautiful thing. It’s as though Spring has come and the sun is chasing away the long Winter’s cold. The frost is thawing. Snowdrops are starting to bloom through the frozen earth.
But what do I mean by softness?
Well… I think what I’m really trying to explain is the healing (or softening) of the hard edges I’ve held for so long.
One of the first-fruits of this softening I noticed was actually a slowing down. Oh how I longed for simplicity! I craved it. I just had to shut off the “noise” (social media, scrolling, YouTube) I turned it all off. I couldn’t have other people’s opinions in my head any longer. I couldn’t keep playing the comparison game every time I opened my phone.
I started to read in the evenings instead of watch Netflix. I used the train ride to and from work to write. I picked up old hobbies (like knitting & spinning) and started new ones that helped me slow down (like stitching & scrap-booking).
I wanted the quiet simplicity of my own thoughts and the comforting arms of silence to hold me.
I also noticed a change in what I watched and listened to. I gave up horror movies years ago, and I hardly ever list to metal music anymore (I still love it some of it, but the drive to only listen to that one genre is gone).
I think one of the wildest things of all is that I now own as many dresses as I do trousers, and that my wardrobe is now full of colour!
If you know me in any way whatsoever, you’ll know just how adamantly I wear trousers or jeans, and (thanks to a lingering emo phase), I wear a lot of black. And while I will continue to wear my old clothes, I find myself leaning more towards dresses and lighter colours.
I just can’t explain this shift, other than a deep knowing and desire to be my own natural, divinely designed, feminine self.
My emotional softening came by the grace of God, first through a fantastic community of faith in New Zealand, and now through the blessing of a strong, godly man. I never knew you could feel this much peace.
I feel my feet grace the paths of Eden. And by that I mean, I feel a softening and a returning to the way I was designed. To celebrate being a woman and to enjoy the natural softness and femininity that comes with it.
Somewhere along the way I equated being feminine with being weak, and that was wrong. It’s a sin of pride to believe that the way I was created is wrong, and that I know what I need to “fix” it. Oh Father, forgive me!
Instead, this is what I believe softness in a woman means or looks like.
It means not always doing everything on your own, living in a community of people who you can ask for help, who will walk with you, single or married.
It means working hard to forgive those who have wronged you, letting go of bitterness and instead, seeking how to be a blessing to others.
It means finding ways to slow down, giving your nervous system time and space to return to peace and stepping out of stressful situations.
It may even mean re-evaluating what you do and why you do it. And if it’s been in response to a hurt, finding your own place of healing.
Thinking about what feminine softness means has also led me to ponder feminine strength, and this I will write about in next week’s post. But for now, may my own journey find its place with you.
If it’s an encouragement, may you be encouraged.
If it’s a thought, may you ruminate on it.
If it’s just nice to know, then let it just be that -
(and I hope you have a wonderful week).
The grace of God is a balm to the wounded soul; a hot, cleansing bath to the weary traveler. This healing, transforming work continues within me, and the fruit of that healing is softness.
I am learning how to love
who and how I am
from the warming embrace
of simplicity.
(You can read the full version of this reflective poem here)
with love from my corporate keyboard,
x Zara